Happy Sunday!
I woke up with a song in my heart.
With a feeling that life was about to change.
With a jolt of joy, inspired by a flurry of recent headlines coming out of the Toronto International Film Festival.
To anyone who told me back in March: “That’s a weird thing to write about,” or “don’t you have a job?” or “Jamie, are you okay???”
I’m about to dunk on all you hoes.
What did I tell you????
What did I tell you?!?
This man wants nothing more than to razzle-dazzle the public once more.
If he could be part of the reality star-to-Roxie Hart pipeline, he would be!
Alas! He’s taken matters into his own hands.
Screw auditions! He’s a former Prime Minister. Of course he’s going to build the infrastructure he needs.
Justin is going to be a star, baby!1
All he needs is a proven track record of success as an executive producer, and that’s already in the works. The Academy is quaking.
Today, I’m republishing my original theory below with updates highlighted in the timeline.
My predictions have been eerily accurate so far. Thank goodness for that! It would have been embarrassing otherwise….
History has its eyes on me.
My prophecy:
The Oscars are two weeks away, and we need to have an important conversation.
Something many of you aren’t ready for.
Something that’s about to shake the table.
This newsletter has tackled sexual assault, dementia, and the endless trap of counting protein...
Today I have a much braver, much more intimate topic.
I come to you, unhinged theory hand, looking for solace.
For validation.
For grace.
Get out your tinfoil hats and join me on this descent into madness!
Take a deep breath in.
Out.
Brace yourself.
I’m sharing this conspiracy with screenshots and timestamps.
It’s important to cement myself in the history books now before the rest of the world catches on.
Here is a text to myself from Sunday, August 17th, 2025, at exactly 8:05pm.
Stay with me on this.
First, I must also be so so so clear that this thought came to me a month before we even suspected they were dating for real.
At the time of this text, they’d been seen at one dinner.
I did not ask to be clairvoyant.
Like the groundhogs, I was forced into this life.
I certainly wish my powers could be used on any other topic.
Alas, this is what the universe has shown me, and so this has become my vocation.
At first it was just an inkling.
A spidey sense that this relationship had legs.
I saw what they must see in each other.
Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry are both theatre kids at heart.
They are bombastic.
They are cringe.
Together, they could be free.
Besides, what is the Hollywood dating pool but a rock garden of career stepping stones?
Is there such a thing as a celebrity relationship that doesn’t lead to a new project, venture, or professional announcement??
If a famous person goes on a date with another famous person, and there isn’t a public relations intern calling the paparazzi to take a photo, did it even happen????
Mind you, I don’t think this relationship is staged. I’m not claiming Justin sought out Katy Perry as a way into entertainment.
No, no, no.
What I feel in my bones is that Katy will inspire Justin to dive back into his acting roots.
They met by circumstance, but the full possibilities of this connection are now taking hold.
Let’s be crystal clear.
Justin Trudeau has always been interested in acting.
He’s a former drama teacher.
He has an up-to-date IMDB page.
He was the first active political leader to be an extra special guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race
He was the star of a 2007 made-for-TV movie about WWI.
He played himself in an award-winning indie film in 2021.
Most inexplicably, he recently made a cameo on his son’s YouTube page. (We don’t have time to get into Xav Trudeau’s hip-hop career right now, but that’s a whole other can of worms.)
Lest we forget the charity boxing match:
Lest we overlook his incredible physical comedy:
This is a man who’s been practicing his own stunts for years.
Not only that! He found ways to insert them into a political career!
Astounding stuff.
The politics might be over, but Justin is young. 54 is still heartthrob territory.
He has nothing but time, an incredible hairline, and a kooky pop star to encourage him! Why wouldn’t he pursue his dreams!?!
In my mind, this is how it all plays out2
First, he’ll be Katy’s date to a red carpet event. Maybe even the MET Gala or Cannes in May.
UPDATE 6/9/26: They went to the Tribeca Festival (and also Coachella, which isn’t a red carpet, but is spiritually a push into the entertainment space).
Then he’ll take a page from the Travis Kelce playbook and do an onstage cameo during one of her performances. The next leg of her tour kicks off in June.
UPDATE 7/9/26: Not onstage, but the hopping concert tour TikTok was something
Maybe he’ll find a reason to pop by Saturday Night Live.
Next, he’ll book some podcasts. The SmartLess guys surely are chomping at the bit for this interview….
Possibly, he’ll announce something like a small stint on a show or a cutesy summer film. Something that still allows him to play himself, or a version of himself. A side character like Hugh Grant in Love Actually.
UPDATE 9/11/26: Launching a MEDIA PRODUCTION COMPANY is a pretty relevant announcement here!!!
Now things are getting serious. He’s going with Katy everywhere. They are a multi-talented super couple.
Catch them at the VMAs.
At the Grammys.
At next year’s Vanity Fair Oscar party.
Justin decides to move to LA full-time. He gets tan and wears more unbuttoned shirts with sunglasses. Soon, he’ll find a posse of similarly-aged Hollywood men to be photographed with. Paul Rudd. Mark Ruffalo. Rob Lowe. Patrick Dempsey. etc..
This is his moment to move into something more serious and show his acting chops in an indie movie or play.
Who is Justin without his popstar girlfriend?
The tabloids go crazy with the news of his next project.
Maybe he does the method.
Maybe he shaves his head.
Maybe he pushes for a supporting actor nomination in a boxing movie where he can revisit his skills in the ring.
It won’t work, of course. Either the movie is a flop, or he’s beaten out by Timothée Chalamet, creating tension in his rise.
Here come the publicity stunts!
Xav Trudeau is on a drug spiral.
Katy Perry is spotted getting dinner with Orlando Bloom in an intimate restaurant.
Justin gets too drunk with Paul/Mark/Rob/Patrick and is photographed hitting on a waitress.
Everything seems to be crumbling around him.
From the ashes, he rises! He doubles down on his art.
Maybe he takes singing lessons3 in preparation for his magnum opus: Jean Valjean in the 2037 reboot of Les Misérables, exactly 25 years after the last movie’s release.
OR!!!
Even more touching!
Playing his own father in the Pierre Elliott Trudeau biopic:4
The reviews are incredible.
In his Oscar speech, he thanks Katy for reigniting his love of the arts! For sticking with him through the last few years.
He talks about his father!
He says everything in both English and French!!
The cameraman pans to Kim Cattrall, who is still very much alive and beaming at Justin like a son.
Oh, Canada plays!
Timothée Chalamet is crying in the bathroom!
Afterward, Justin and Katy relocate to Ottawa.
Sometimes we meet up when I go to visit my family for the holidays. He can’t believe I predicted all of this and pulls some strings to have a monument of me erected in the ByWard Market.
Everyone calls me The Oracle of Orléans.
It’s a heavy burden, but I understand this is what the world needs me to be.
Alas, there is one potential wrinkle to this theory.
As much as I expected Justin to immediately attend music-oriented events with Katy, we’ve instead seen Katy attend politically focused events with Justin (ie, the World Economic Forum).
Based on her very strange publicity trip to space, I am slightly worried that she’s also angling for a career in politics.
My best guess is that she wants to become the first president of the moon, a perfectly chaotic and impossible title only she could strive for.
Peace and blessings to Katy in her endeavours.
Last thought
Co-Star not understanding the whole point of this newsletter:
And now we can’t rule out Xav Trudeau either…
Mind you, it’s 10am on a Sunday morning. Either God is speaking through me, or I have fully lost any connection with reality. There’s literally a war happening right now, and this is all I can think about. Send help! Send medication!
With Xav featuring as Justin, obviously
Priceless. You have a gift!