Justin Trudeau's Oscar campaign, and the first president of the moon
A prophecy from The Oracle of Orléans
Happy Sunday!
The Oscars are two weeks away, and we need to have an important conversation.
Something many of you aren’t ready for.
Something that’s about to shake the table.
This newsletter has tackled sexual assault, dementia, and the endless trap of counting protein...
Today I have a much braver, much more intimate topic.
I come to you, unhinged theory hand, looking for solace.
For validation.
For grace.
Get out your tinfoil hats and join me on this descent into madness!
Take a deep breath in.
Out.
Brace yourself.
I’m sharing this conspiracy with screenshots and timestamps.
It’s important to cement myself in the history books now before the rest of the world catches on.
Here is a text to myself from Sunday, August 17th, 2025, at exactly 8:05pm.
Stay with me on this.
First, I must also be so so so clear that this thought came to me a month before we even suspected they were dating for real.
At the time of this text, they’d been seen at one dinner.
I did not ask to be clairvoyant.
Like the groundhogs, I was forced into this life.
I certainly wish my powers could be used on any other topic.
Alas, this is what the universe has shown me, and so this has become my vocation.
At first it was just an incling.
A spidy sense that this relationship had legs.
I saw what they must see in each other.
Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry are both theatre kids at heart.
They are bombastic.
They are cringe.
Together, they could be free.
Besides, what is the Hollywood dating pool but a rock garden of career stepping stones?
Is there such a thing as a celebrity relationship that doesn’t lead to a new project, venture, or professional announcement??
If a famous person goes on a date with another famous person, and there isn’t a public relations intern calling the papparazzi to take a photo, did it even happen????
Mind you, I don’t think this relationship is staged. I’m not claiming Justin sought out Katy Perry as a way into entertainment.
No, no, no.
What I feel in my bones is that Katy will inspire Justin to dive back into his acting roots.
They met by circumstance, but the full possibilities of this connection are now taking hold.
Let’s be crystal clear.
Justin Trudeau has always been interested in acting.
He’s a former drama teacher.
He has an up-to-date IMDB page.
He was the first active political leader to be an extra special guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race
He was the star of a 2007 made-for-TV movie about WWI.
He played himself in an award-winning indie film in 2021.
Most inexplicably, he recently made a cameo on his son’s YouTube page. (We don’t have time to get into Xav Trudeau’s hip-hop career right now, but that’s a whole other can of worms.)
Less we forget the charity boxing match:
Less we overlook his incredible physical comedy:
This is a man who’se been practicing his own stunts for years.
Not only that! He found ways to insert them into a political career!
Astounding stuff.
The politics might be over, but Justin is young. 54 is still heartthrob territory.
He has nothing but time, an incredible hairline, and a kooky pop star to encourage him! Why wouldn’t he pursue his dreams!?!
In my mind, this is how it all plays out1
First, he’ll be Katy’s date to a red carpet event. Maybe even the MET Gala or Cannes in May.
Then he’ll take a page from the Travis Kelce playbook and do an onstage cameo during one of her performances. The next leg of her tour kicks off in June.
Maybe he’ll find a reason to pop by Saturday Night Live.
Next, he’ll book some podcasts. The SmartLess guys surely are chomping at the bit for this interview….
Possibly, he’ll announce something like a small stint on a show or a cutesy summer film. Something that still allows him to play himself, or a version of himself. A side character like Hugh Grant in Love, Actually.
Now things are getting serious. He’s going with Katy everywhere. They are a multi-talented super couple.
Catch them at the VMS.
At the Grammys.
At next year’s Vanity Fair Oscar party.
Justin decides to move to LA full-time. He gets tan and wears more unbuttoned shirts with sunglasses. Soon, he’ll find a posse of similarly-aged Hollywood men to be photographed with. Paul Rudd. Mark Ruffalo. Rob Lowe. Patrick Dempsey. etc..
This is his moment to move into something more serious and show his acting chops in an indie movie or play.
Who is Justin without his popstar girlfriend?
The tabloids go crazy with the news of his next project.
Maybe he does the method.
Maybe he shaves his head.
Maybe he pushes for a supporting actor nomination in a boxing movie where he can revisit his skills in the ring.
It won’t work, of course. Either the movie is a flop, or he’s beaten out by Timothée Chalamet, creating some tension in his rise.
Here comes the publicity stunts!
Xav Trudeau is on a drug spiral.
Katy Perry is spotted getting dinner with Orlando Bloom in an intimate restaurant.
Justin gets too drunk with Paul/Mark/Rob/Patrick and is photographed hitting on a waitress.
Everything seems to be crumbling around him.
From the ashes he rises! He doubles down on his art.
Maybe he takes singing lessons2 in preparation for his magnum opus: Jean Valjean in the 2037 reboot of Les Misérables, exactly 25 years after the last movie’s release.
OR!!!
Even more touching!
Playing his own father in the Pierre Elliott Trudeau biopic:
The reviews are incredible.
In his Oscar speech, he thanks Katy for reigniting his love of the arts! For sticking with him through the last few years.
He talks about his father!
He says everything in both English and French!!
The cameraman pans to Kim Cattrall, who is still very much alive and beaming at Justin like a son.
Oh, Canada plays!
Timothée Chalamat is crying in the bathroom!
Afterward, Justin and Katy relocate to Ottawa.
Sometimes we meet up when I go to visit my family for the holidays. He can’t believe I predicted all of this and pulls some strings to have a monument of me erected in the Byward Market.
Everyone calls me The Oracle of Orléans.
It’s a heavy burden, but I understand this is what the world needs me to be.
Alas, there is one potential wrinkle to this theory.
As much as I expected Justin to immediately attend music-oriented events with Katy, we’ve instead seen Katy attend politically-focused events with Justin (ie, the World Economic Forum).
Based on her very strange publicity trip to space, I am slightly worried that she’s also angling for a career in politics.
My best guess is that she wants to become the first president of the moon, a perfectly chaotic and impossible title only she could strive for.
Peace and blessings to Katy in her endeavours.
Stay tuned, because I WILL be updating this newsletter as their relationship progresses.
History has its eyes on me.
Last thought
Co-Star not understanding the whole point of this newsletter:
Mind you, it’s 10am on a Sunday morning. Either God is speaking through me, or I have fully lost any connection with reality. There’s literally a war happening right now, and this is all I can think about. Send help! Send medication!