The devil wears Prada, the lord drinks Slurpees
Christian gas station snacks I would sell if I was evil....
I got too competitive during an inflatable jousting match this weekend, and today I’m paying the price.
My knuckles are bloodied.
My elbow is bruised.
But I won the championship, and so it was all worth it!
I was born to joust, forced to have a 9am-5pm job.
Life is so unfair.
In the midst of my pain, I was blessed with a divine message from my Lord and Saviour.
“What’s up world? So I’m ‘bout to go see The Devil Wears Prada 2. I personally prefer Chanel or Gucci, but yo, if the devil says Prada I guess we should listen right? Anyways, I can’t wait for buttered popcorn and a Slurpee.
FUCK YA!
SLURPEES!!
YES, MAN YES!!!!”
My diva.
My queen.
My Slurpee-obsessed goddess.
I simply could not love you more.
This is what we fought for!!
This is exactly the kind of freedom Britney deserves!
Buttered popcorn and Slurpees!
FUCK YA!
SLURPEES!
YES, MAN YES!
When was the last time you had a Slurpee?
Not recently enough! That’s for sure.
In middle school, Slurpees were a fact of summer.
Most days, I would walk to my friend’s house. She had a pool and a private computer room.
She also had a shitty little stinky dog, but the smell was worth it for unsupervised internet access and the underwater handstand practice.
Kids with pools love to pretend they’re too cool to swim.
All break, I would beg to please pretty please use the pool. It’s literally right there, you don’t even have to come in, but obviously it would be weird if I just went in, so why don’t you come out there and hang, and it would be super duper fun, and I’ll tell you who I have a crush on, pinky promise, just pretty pretty pretty please can we go in????
Of course, I would say all of this with a bright purple tongue because I passed the local gas station on the way over and chugged a wine bottle-sized cup of grape-flavoured ice.
Those were the days!
How many times have I gone to a gas station as an adult and denied myself the sweet, sweet nectar of the Slurpee machine?!
What have I been doing!?
The gas station is little treat central.
Over the years, my snack preferences have evolved. I’ll opt for a pepperoni stick. Trail mix. Or, sometimes, an energy drink — the adult Slurpee equivalent.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, do I love to guzzle an energy drink!
YES, MAN YES!!!
Energy drinks are basically like doing drugs in the middle of the afternoon. Why treat my mild ADHD with prescription stimulants when I could pound a Monster and have heart palpitations????
Recently, I’ve learned that we’re in the midst of a Christian energy drink boom.
Religious-themed drinks are popping up with names like 4GVN (built for believers) and Praise Energy (fuel the grind and honor the soul)
Before you ask, no!!!!
There aren’t any give-back programs or donations to make these brands Christian.
They are getting by with marketing alone.
The drinks are just God-flavoured, or whatever.
They’re hawking cans of “preachin’ peach” and “berry blessed” to a core demo of Christian frat bros who will pay extra to signal their religious beliefs with canned beverages.
Yahweh Energy’s slogan is “take Him anywhere.”
They claim it’s “more than a drink — it’s a bold invitation to live your faith out loud.”
ie: To drink Red Bull is to denounce God.1
Fun fact:
“Any product can be a Christian product if you’re willing to treat Jesus as just an uncopyrighted Mickey Mouse.”
If this isn’t taking the Lord’s name in vain, I really don’t know what is….
This is exactly the type of stuff the Israelites were penalized for in the Old Testament!
The golden calf was nothing compared to this Jared Leto-looking Jesus on a can of for-profit chemicals.
This is the definition of claiming God for selfish and pointless means.
But why stop there?!?
Why shouldn’t Jesus be the mascot of everything???
This is the marketing power of the public domain!2
The devil wears Prada!
Surely the lord can claim other gas station essentials!
His bounty is so great!!
Everything, hallelujah!!!
Here’s my list of gas station products Christian influencers should start grifting:3
Lamb of God Meat Sticks. Tender and mild
Soul Cleanser. Take of this, my body wash.
Creation Crisps: Let there be light(ly) salted chips
For Hymns. An over-the-counter Viagra alternative. Sing your praises to the lord!
Crucifix Mix. Nuts, dried fruit, and cross-shaped candies for your daily pilgrimage.
Walk On Water. For miraculous consumption.
Praisins. Prayer-themed raisins. Each box has a blessing written on it.
Last Supper Wine Gummies. Self-explanatory, no?
Cain & Maple Coffee Creamer. Don’t sacrifice your mornings.
Yah-Whey Protein Bars. May beast be with you (and also with you).
Ice Cream Sundays. Ice cream sandwiches with Bible facts. Stay cool at Sunday school.
Holy Trinity Pretzels. Always photographed upside down to make a little triangle of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Give us this day, our daily bread.
The Disciplined Disciple: This could be a whole company of different workout products, like:
B.C. Powder. Your Before Christ pre-workout.
A.D. Drink. After death (or deadlift) recovery drink. Filled with electrolytes to fuel your resurrection
The 5000: Two types of fish-shaped crackers, multiplied to feed the masses.
Last but not least:
The Holy Slurpee Altar featuring flavours like:
Mount Acai
Blood Orange of Christ
Forbidden Fruit Punch
Please comment more below if the spirit moves you!
A religious gas station-themed playlist for your week:
Last Thought:
The macros are bad (10g protein/100grams), but the feeling is oh so right.
Only angels have wings, you sacrilegious monster!
Jesus, Winnie the Pooh, and the Mad Hatter all recommend this Substack by the way! Not sure if you knew that. My writing is super big in the Hundred Acre Woods, Wonderland, and Bethlehem.
No, I’m not looking any of these up! I don’t know if I can handle knowing if any of these are real companies…