Don't Go Knockin' on My Door
What's up with Britney?
The first time I felt like a conspiracy theorist I was moving into a new office.
Our building had mice, and my boss found a last-minute solution: a closet in an established company. Cheap rent, but no windows.
As the assistant, I was banished to random corners during important phone calls and meetings. Which, realistically, was all of the time.
On move-day, I got a glimpse of our routine by being left in the hall with a pile of boxes. The secretary took pity on me and offered a tour of the space.
We got three steps before she asked me about my shirt.
It was 2018, about a year and a half before Britney fans started crowding the LA courtroom in pink. I heard about the conservatorship through my favourite podcast, Britney’s Gram, and became emotionally invested.
How, exactly, could one of the most famous, lucrative, and hard-working celebrities not be in control of her own life? It didn’t make sense.
Over months, I got lost in the game. I started reading up on case files and diving into Britney’s Instagram captions. It was easy to see signs of distress if you were looking for them.
I designed my own #FreeBritney t-shirt, featuring a photoshopped image of her face on the Virgin Mary. Godney Spears.
That was the shirt I had chosen to wear for move day, not thinking I’d do anything but lug boxes into our new space. I hadn’t expected to do the welcome rounds.
On every floor, someone asked about it. Each time, I heard myself dive into the same rant with the same level of vigour.
Can you imagine not having access to your money? It’s all her father! How dare he.
Some of them leaned in, obviously curious about how this particular issue became my soapbox. I saw others gloss over.
Many would elect not to interact with me again, including the secretary. From then on, I did my best to stay hidden in the closet.
There were other times at the height of the #FreeBritney movement when I questioned my sanity. Pro-conservatorship news sources would claim we had no business theorizing about her medical records. We didn’t know what happened behind closed doors, and sometimes it felt borderline unethical. Britney could never comment, making everything seem all the more speculative.
I held onto the belief that, no matter what, the legal pieces were hypocritical. No one can star in a Vegas residency and be too mentally unfit to care for themselves. It had to be one or the other.
I extensively covered the updates here, here, here, here, here, and here and often wondered if using her pain as writing fodder was exploitative. I couldn’t tell, but I also couldn’t stop.
When Britney did finally give testimony in 2021, I was equally as vindicated as I was horrified. The truth was even darker than we thought. Secret bedroom audio recordings, forced IUDs and lithium… She was in a hell created by her father, and our conspiracies were just scratching the surface.
Suddenly people were approaching me for details. I went from freak to fact-checker in the span of days. As Britney regained her freedom, “crazy fans” became legitimized activists. Many have gone on to fight for guardianship reform across the US.
I have mostly tried to move on. While I’m still a fan, I have taken a step back from analyzing Britney’s accounts. A free woman is allowed to do whatever she damn well pleases. Nude photos, weird dance videos… who cares? As long as her father doesn’t have a say, I’m happy.
In my most recent interview, I told the company that “I’m a Britney Spears fan first, everything else second.” I got a laugh. And, ultimately, the job.
It was a much more palatable first impression.
Me looking at Britney’s Instagram
Other fans haven’t been able to let go.
For the first year post-conservatorship, Britney’s Instagram was a carousel of naked vacation pics, furious captions, and truth bombs. She got married, did a song with Elton John, and announced a record-breaking publishing deal. It felt like she burst out of the conservatorship with red, hot anger.
People were just as quick to tell her she was being too slutty, erratic, and an unfit mother. Many felt the need to question if she should have been freed at all.
Their version of freedom - as far as I can tell - has restraints.
Admittedly, her posts have never seemed well-adjusted. What can we really expect from a pop prisoner of 13 years? Her level of trauma and life experience is something beyond comprehension. I can only assume it’s normal to cope by (literally) spinning in circles with mascara running down your face.
Hell, I’ve done that on a good day.
This year Britney has taken a step back, too. She’s really only posted old videos and the occasional meme. While this might seem like a normal response for anyone getting the level of criticism Britney does, some fans think it’s a sign that she is dead.
And so, I once again find myself perusing a Britney fan forum for clues. Hit me baby one more time.
The wildest segment of her fans - dubbed BAnon - maintains that Britney is, at the very least, missing. They claim she hasn’t been seen in public, her videos are done with deep fake filters, her wedding was a hoax, and her husband controls her social media.
While outrageous, the depths of Britney’s story are depraved enough for me to believe that maybe there’s some truth to the above. Would I put any of this beyond Lou Taylor and Jamie Spears? Absolutely not.
Is any of it founded? Also, no.
To me, a much more reasonable theory is that Britney dealt with a monumental life change the only way she knew how: publicly. Now, be it a healing process, legal reasons, or disinterest, she is taking advantage of privacy. That’s a luxury she’s never had before.
Naturally, the fans don’t know how to handle it.
When the TikTok tinfoil hats get to be too much, I come back to where my conspiracy days started - Britney’s Instagram. There was a time when I thought of this page as the Happiest Place on The Internet, full of goofy dances, fashion videos, and cherubs.
We had no clue how bad it was behind closed doors. Ultimately, her posts never really told us anything. As much as the fans want to take credit for freeing Britney, the real change came when she spoke out herself.
The most significant difference between 2008 and 2021 was that we listened to her.
In the last month, Britney (now River Red on IG), posted this caption:
Considering what happened to me during the conservatorship and how hard I work everyday to be a better person since it’s been over !!! ….The media has always been cruel to me and most people probably wouldn’t even comment on it…
I think some people are wanting to hear my story … either through a book or what have you ??? I’ve had to stop a couple of times !!! It may take me a year, maybe longer who knows …
It’s not a crime to hide - behind makeup filters, captions, or otherwise. Britney doesn’t owe us anything. If she wanted, she could close the door to her fans entirely.
Since moving, I’ve barely left my space, either. Behind our closed door is a mountain of furniture waiting to be built, dusty baseboards, and unpacked boxes. We are slowly expanding into the corners of our space and have no energy to stretch ourselves outside.
Sometimes I wonder who I’m alienating on the other side. Am I turning my friends into conspiracy theorists wondering where I am? Will they still want to see me when I’m ready to come back out? Are they annoyed that I only have one thing to talk about? Am I still fun to be around?
I question if I’m doing enough to keep my relationships solid when all I’ve focused on for the last six months is our house.
That’s nothing compared to 13 years.
It’s normal with every new life stage for friends (or fans) to recalibrate. With celebrities, our expectations get skewed. If someone we knew was forced to be on lithium for months, we’d expect them to need a bit of recovery time.
For Britney? It’s time to work, bitch.
My current definition of a “big night”
I, personally, am done speculating about what’s happening on her side of the screen. As a fan, I want the best for Britney. I will be here and waiting for whenever (if ever) she wants to share her story or her art.
It’s the same courtesy I hope my friends extend to me.