I would say happy Sunday, but it is decidedly not one.
I’ve waited two long months.
I’ve sat idly by.
But the disrespect has become too great to ignore.
Why hasn’t anybody liked my post about the eel pit????
I tried to be vulnerable with you, and this is the thanks I get?
No comments.
No shares.
No nice messages.
Opening up my Substack dashboard feels a lot like this:
Look.
I don’t want to fight about it.
I get that you all have your own things going on.
Unlike you, I have empathy.
Below is an exhaustive list of all the reasonable excuses I can think of.
The only 25 valid reasons why nobody liked my post about the eel pit
You hate me.
The post went to your spam folder. Maybe you should go check right now, just in case…
You thought you already had. An honest mistake! Now that you know, you can go fix it.
You didn’t realize I was being serious about this piece. I’m always serious? This is my art? Why would I joke about this?
You didn’t get it.1 That’s okay! Here, try it again! Maybe you’ll love it the second time around:
You have editorial notes. I’m all ears! I’ll be totally chill about it, I promise! Hit me with your feedback!
You actually really liked it, but saw that no one else liked it, and got insecure
You actually really liked it, but you didn’t think I cared about likes. Which, I don’t, obviously. But also, it would be nice to be acknowledged…
You actually really liked it, but don’t know how to like posts on Substack.2
You switched emails and never saw it. In which case, why haven’t you resubscribed with your new email???
This whole time, all of you have been pretending to like my writing to keep me busy, but now the joke has gone on for too long, and you’re about to hit me with a heavy dose of reality.
You’re jealous! Not all of us have the same gifts, and I know my unbridled talent is overwhelming to some. I think if you meditate on this, you’ll realize you’re being ridiculous.
You thought I already covered the eel pit well enough the first time and didn’t see a need for me to write about it again. See, this is exactly what’s wrong with media! Not everything has to be built for short attention spans! Challenge yourselves to slow down!!
You hadn’t read the first eel pit article, and so it felt a bit jarring and out of context. Fair! Why don’t you try that piece first, and see if you feel any different?
You’re a new subscriber. This doesn’t apply to you! This is between the long-standing, ungrateful readers and me. I’m sure you would have been the first to like this piece!! In fact, why don’t you go toss a like on it right now?
I was super weird the last time we hung out, and you’re trying to figure out how to slow-fade our friendship. It’s working!
You’re skeptical about the ethics of keeping eels in an underground rain cistern. Don’t hate the messenger! It’s not my eel pit.
You think eels are gross.3 Again, that doesn’t really have anything to do with my writing? You can like the article without liking eels… that should have been clear…
You’re @cowturtle himself, and didn’t want all the fanfare that comes with a feature in this newsletter. I get it. Fame isn’t for the weak.
You sustained a massive concussion and can’t be on screens right now. Tough luck! You’ll come back to it, I know you will. Rest up!
You forgot! Duh! You loved it, and you just forgot. So relatable. Haha. Here’s the link one more time so you can check it off your to-do list.
String theory! After I hit publish, I was transported to a reality where no one liked this post, and there’s an alternate reality where this same article landed me a book deal.
Espionage! You’ve purposefully subscribed to this newsletter with no intention of ever reading anything to mess with my metrics. This is diabolical! A silent protest! Kudos to you, you spiteful queen you. Who do you work for? What is your end goal???
Digital warfare! For some reason, my content is being screened and blocked by the tech overloads (i.e., Substack). My genius is too risky for the masses to consume, and that’s not your fault! You’ll never even get this post anyway!! I’m just screaming into the void!!
You genuinely didn’t like it???? Really???4
So, which one is it?????
Not that it matters!
We’re totally chill and cool and normal and I’m barely even thinking about it at all anymore, actually!
Hahaha.
No worries!!
WE’LL TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEK!
I’LL JUST KEEP RIPPING OPEN MY CHEST FOR YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL I INSPIRE YOU TO TAP THAT LITTLE HEART BUTTON.
I’LL JUST BE HERE, BLEEDING OUT, WAITING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME THAT SWEET SWEET VALIDATION.
I’M JUST KIDDING!!!!
HAHAHA.
NO WORRIES!!!!!
Here’s a bonus meme for your attention to detail.
If you’ve made it to the footnotes, surely you had it in you to tap that heart icon….
Grow up.
There’s no way, right? RIGHT?!?
You’re so chill and cool about it!!!! It could never be 25
3,8,9 and 18!