There’s some dark energy afoot, and by that I mean I saw a flash mob and an ALS Ice Bucket Challenge on Instagram last night.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
I’m on a personal nostalgia tour as of late. If you didn’t see me scream-singing in my Instagram stories, I was at the Akon and Ne-Yo show on Friday.
What a night! So fun!
I did have a few notes though...
Akon and Ne-Yo, I wish you had consulted me before going on tour.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super fun show! But there are a few things I noticed that I think you should consider.
Hopefully you have time to pivot!
Production notes I had during Akon and Ne-Yo’s performance
For a three-hour show with two headliners, there is simply no need to have an intermission.
Guys… How did this even come up? Never in my 20 years of concert-going have I seen a break like this. Surely, you didn’t need a break. It’s not like you changed the staging at all? Plus, there are two of you! We could have scheduled around this. You have dancers, do you not? Could you not have created a video? Any kind of visual instead of a ten-minute countdown timer in the middle of your set? Imagine any female pop star trying to get away with this…it simply wouldn’t happen! We can set the standard a little higher, don’t you think?
What were you even doing backstage? What did you think we were going to be doing?? This isn’t Broadway. I assure you people are choosing times to go to the bathroom without you telling us to. We are adults. This was firmly a 30+ crowd! There is not an artist on earth with so many bangers that would prevent us from going to get water if we needed it. Also, I’m sorry to break this news, but a lot of your catalogue sounds the same… There are pee breaks aplenty!
Just because you only have one song together doesn’t mean you should only perform one song together.
This is a co-headlining set! Let’s play a little! Have you heard of a cover? What about some harmonies? Y’all played a lot of tracks where you were the featured artists… What if you had used each other to do the other vocals? How fun would that have been!?! Instead, Akon, you had the whole crowd singing the ‘wooohoo yoohoo’ part of The Sweet Escape without ever playing the chorus??? Kind of a let-down and a tease.
Speaking of tease… Akon. That one move when your dancer had her leg all the way up? Really hot. Really good. More of that, please.
Overall, I think we’d solve a lot of problems if you envisioned this performance as a Magic Mike show with vocals.
Hear me out. We don’t have to be highbrow about this! Your audience is drunk women in their thirties and former club promoters looking to hook up with drunk women in their thirties. Let’s lean in! I don’t mean to objectify you! You have such great bodies; it’s a shame to wear those big coats in July. Listen, Cardi B is out here pole dancing! The pop girls are doing laps around you dance-wise. As much as I enjoy your hip-hop shuffles, a body roll would do wonders. Also smile more!!!
Why did you bring all those women on stage to stand behind you in a line?
That was kinda weird. It felt like you were hosting your own private groupie pageant, and I personally didn’t care for it. We’re trying to play into fantasy here, babes. I don’t need to watch you suss out your options in real time. If you’re going to pull people from the crowd up, you best be giving them a chair dance or something we can all enjoy. What if you picked one woman and serenaded her? You could even get a little freaky (see aforementioned body roll). We’d love that!
Ne-Yo, your backup “sangers” need better branding.
I’m sorry. They’re all amazing, but Brian, Ashley and Pam are just not the stage names we want here. Those are the names of every office’s HR department. Your name is Ne-Yo. Calling them “sangers’ instead of singers isn’t enough? Are you forcing them to have the most regular-degular names possible so you stand out? Is that what’s happening?
Can we learn the dancers’ names?
Those women really stole the show, and I would like to applaud them too, please! Also, if you can ask them how they were able to do so many flying splits from those chains in the air without anything popping out of their thongs, that would be much appreciated…
Putting on a cowboy hat isn’t a quick change.
Boys. Let’s be a little inventive, shall we? You had ten minutes backstage doing God knows what. Let’s think about some theatrics.
On that note, why was there a cowboy hat at all???
Ne-Yo, I understand the US is a scary place right now. It’s tempting to try to appeal to the republicans in whatever way necessary. I get it. Playing songs from your new country album, however, really killed the vibe. This isn’t the forum for any new music! That’s not what this show was billed as! We came to shake ass!! We came to put ourselves back into the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge timeline, not nazi America. This is not the moment to line dance!!! Yuck!
We gotta talk about the hyperbole in the tour branding….
EVERY city? EVERY vibe? EVERY night?
That is factually not true. Was this your way of getting away with that country moment? That is still only two vibes: R&B pop, and country. You have a song called I Wanna Fuck You that feels pretty restrictive to a lot of vibes, and, if we’re honest, a few cities. I can’t imagine Lunenburg, Nova Scotia getting down with this set.
What were we trying to do with the playlist game?
Alright. This whole section needs some work… I get that you wanted to showcase a bunch of songs you’ve co-produced and co-written. This is your chance to put some cred on your names, and I respect that. You both deserve it! You’ve worked on some incredible stuff!
That said, there was way too much talking. I see your vision. You wanted this to be a cute little BFF moment where you took turns teeing up songs you’re proud of. Super cute! We didn’t need a huge preamble for every single clip, though. That really squashed the momentum and made it feel like you were trying to kill time. Which, considering you already baked in a ten-minute break, maybe you were? Maybe it was worth condensing the show? Idk, just a thought!
Also, was there a reason we were only listening to < 30 seconds of each track? Do you not actually have the rights to play these songs? That felt a little suspicious…
Either way, there were ways we could have made this better!
Wouldn’t it have been way cooler if you’d created a DJ set instead? You could have set up rival stations like duelling pianos. You could have given the explanations via graphics instead of monologues. We could have gone crazy with it and made Mortal Kombat-themed videos with Akon and Ne-Yo characters that literally battled during each track. Imagine the dance party this would have been!
OR, if you really wanted it to feel like a game show, there were ways to do it! What if you used your intermission to set up Jeopardy-style staging? Have a host! Let us vote! Make the loser do something like, idk, take their shirt off maybe? Let’s add some stakes to this moment! Let’s make it a spectacle!!!
Akon being carried through the crowd on a table during Lonely was a brilliant move.
Keep that. No notes there. Bonus points because you did take your shirt off! Very good!
It’s time to eliminate encores
This isn’t a knock on either of you, but I think we need to abolish this part of any show. It’s not doing what we think it’s doing anymore. Let’s play through! You already had a break, remember? Why do you need us to beg for you to come back? We bought tickets! We want to see it!! This cheeky little fake-out is way too much. Why are you being coy?? We know you’re coming back. It’s embarrassing. Let’s just skip this part and keep the energy going!
That’s all!
Like I said, really great job, boys. We just need a little finessing to take this to the next level.
Let me know if you want to set up a meeting or chat about it over dinner.
I’m flexible!
Next time, let’s loop me in sooner, okay?
I’m happy to help, but you need to ask in advance!
PS: If you’re wondering why today’s post wasn’t about the books I read in July, it’s because I’m in a reading slump. Just when you thought you knew me!