This week’s post is a day late because Lily Allen’s surprise album drop has consumed my life. What a fucking line, indeed!
“TRUE! — nervous — very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am.”
—The first line of Edgar Allan Poe's, The Tell-Tale Heart.
And also me.
All the time.
Friday is October 31st, and I still haven’t posted a spring or summer photo dump.
Time is running out.
Spring was two whole seasons ago!
I’ve already revealed a Halloween costume in my story.
The chronology is all wrong, and I’m panicking.
Unfortunately, my nervous system cannot distinguish between actual danger and choosing 20 photos to put in an Instagram carousel…
My anxiety has me scrutinizing my camera roll with a vulture-like eye.
I’m mentally ripping each picture to shreds and hoarding them in an album called “Spring 2025.”
I’m avoiding everyone else’s carousels captioned “super late recap”, lest I crack under the pressure.
My draft might as well be a body under the floorboards. I can hear it beckoning to me from the Photos app.
Only I don’t hear a living heartbeat. No no!
I hear the soft double finger taps of 100-200 tiny, red hearts.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap.
My friends will love this post.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap.
The world needs it!
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap.
In fact, everyone is angry that they don’t already have it!!!
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap.
I’m late and therefore not relevant and therefore fundamentally bad and therefore also ugly because that’s how it works!!
I don’t make the rules!!!
“But why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses — not destroyed — not dulled them.”
Edgar gets it.
I’m not crazy. I’m just hyper-aware.
My obsession has made me a dump connaisseur.1
Photo dumps aren’t about posting.
They’re about curation.
Can you not see the themes? The overarching message?
There is intention behind the order of each photo.
There is meticulous, Da Vinci-level measurement in the ratios of close-ups, full-body shots, scenery, food, friend cameos, pets, thirst-trap selfies, and quirky staged items.
There is artistry in the accompanying caption, song, and location choice.
Carousels are displays of modern craftsmanship.
Of storytelling.
A picture is worth a thousand words; ergo, a 20-slide Instagram carousel is an 80-page novella.
People take years to write those!
And they bring in reinforcements!! Beta readers, agents, developmental editors, line editors, etc..
The photo dump, by contrast, is a one-woman show. It’s a feat of cinematography, direction, screenwriting, and editing.
This isn’t something you can take lightly!
Again! I am not crazy!!
I am an architect!!!
The best art looks effortless, and that takes a great deal of effort!!!!
(See also: “No-makeup makeup” augmented by Botox, blephs, and filler. “Undone” waves created with heat wands. No-filter photos enhanced by Ozempic, body contour, and “yoga boob” implants. “Quiet luxury” fashion that camouflages just enough with normies so only other rich people know you’re rich, etc…)
What will come across cool? Natural? Interesting? How do you mould perception with 20 images?
You have to put yourself in the mind of your followers to see your page as a living, breathing canvas.
I am simply trying to be attuned to the needs of my flock. Like Jesus or Mr. Beast.
…Only without making a spectacle of the poor to flaunt my prowess and charity.2
“How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily — how calmly I can tell you the whole story.”
It wasn’t always this overwhelming.
In May, someone took a picture of my coworker and me at an event.
I liked it, but not enough to post as a stand-alone.
It felt too intense to share. Are we that close? Does a picture of the two of us belong on my main feed?? Will she think I’m obsessed with her???
I thought it would be easier to pair it with other photos.
But what? I had no other options!
I had to wait until more opportunities presented themselves.
Back then, the taptap — taptap — taptap — taptaps were merely suggestions. They were inklings about what this post could be.
“It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night.”
Maybe I’d snag a pic at that next event.
That concert.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap.
That work trip.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptaps.
That friend’s birthday.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap.
I could harvest all season long!
My calendar would simply morph into a production schedule.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I was beholden to a growing list of social plans. How kismet!
I would play Spielberg, capturing cute signs, dinner plates, scenery, weird posters… idk…just whatever catches the eye.
Something interesting. Anything interesting.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
Slowly, slowly, the album became too full.
I had to switch from sourcing to editing, but my camera roll never slowed.
I was hoarding options. Collecting selfies like horcruxes.
Just one more close-up shot.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
One more cute outfit.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
One more landscape.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
And it will be complete!
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
I will be complete!!
But there’s no deadline.
I could keep adding, changing, and perfecting forever. Forever chasing the Ideal Form of a summer photo dump.
How do I decide when to be finished?
When is the right time to post?
My own arbitrary deadlines came and went. I didn’t post at the end of spring. Not at the end of summer.
Now — 4 days out from Halloween — I’m forcing myself to do it.
…If only I could think of a caption.
“You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded — with what caution — with what foresight — with what dissimulation I went to work”
Oh, I see.
You think I’m immune to the futility of it all.
Think again!!
I am as locked into the ridiculousness as I am to the want.
Every post eats at my soul for days, nay weeks, nay months before I publish!
Nary have you met a more thoughtful poster than me!!
Inevitably, there is a stage of curating when I reach a whole new wave of questions:
Why does this matter?
Should I delete social media??
Is it self-indulgent to use all 20 photos in a carousel?
Does posting inherently make me an attention-seeker?
Am I including these food pictures because I actually like them? Or because it’s vain if every picture is just me?
Will people know that technically some of these photos are from early October, therefore making the “summer photo dump” null, void, and a complete fabrication?
Do I have any integrity?! Any class!!!
Should I just scrap everything and post 20 selfies all taken from the same 5-minute window instead? Is that punk rock or a cry for help?
What is the line between dump and masterpiece?
Am I actually hideous and lame? Has everyone who has ever complimented me been lying to spare my feelings?
Does my level of anxiety about this post signal that I should be on medication?
What kind?
Does being interesting or beautiful even matter when we’re all going to die???
Will I still lament over these trivial decisions when I have children? Or will my brain just be supercharged with a million more stressors?
Are we going to be an emoji-on-kids-faces family or an overshare-until-my-kids-hate-me family????
“Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! — no, no! They heard! — they suspected! — they knew! — they were making a mockery of my horror! — this I thought, and this I think”
None of this is reasonable. I know that.
But I also know that I am not alone!!
Surely you all hear the tapping as well!!
Don’t lie to me!!
We are all caught in this same social media rat trap! And it will never be over. Not really.
Posting this dump will only slow the next inevitable wave of taptap — taptap — taptap — taptaps.
There will be Fall.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
Winter.
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
Spring again!
Taptap — taptap — taptap — taptap
An unrelenting seasonal flow of collecting and posting of photos until we die.
Or!
Until we sever the Instagram umbilical cord and become unreachable.
But we won’t! We’ll persevere!
Why?!?
YOU KNOW WHY!!! YOU DON’T NEED ME TO SAY IT!
BUT I WILL!
Because I need dopamine!!!
I must have it!!!!!!
I YEARN FOR IT!
I will scream into the social media void forever!!!! What is the point of living if I’m not reminding everyone that I do fun things!!! I wore cute outfits!!! I have friends!!!!
And you all like me!!!!!!!
We all like each other!!!!!
What a UTOPIA OF MUTUAL LIKING AND NORMALCY!!!!
“I admit the deed! — tear up the planks! — here, here! — it is the beating of his hideous heart!”
…Anyway…
Please like my photo dump whenever you see it. Thnx! xoxox!
The album in question
Yes, I am taking suggestions. Yes, there are 78 photos in it…
Don’t ever call me that.
Not Jesus catching strays in my Substack.