Drug-Addicted Rats & Sexy Dragons
On midnight release parties and Ratatouille fan fiction
Happy Sunday!
I’ve been mortified over a spelling mistake in last week’s post. Did you catch it?
Either way, this is your reminder that all typos are intentional. How else will I know if you’re paying attention?
Joke’s on me!
An earlier version of this post referred to Linguini’s character as Luigi. Why? Because I have a terrible memory and no fact-checker (except all of you, obviously)
Will I ever publish something without a major error???? Find out in real time👇
What a week we’ve had:
A dystopian inauguration featuring Nazi salutes and The Handmaid’s Tale costume nods.
Rumours that Obama is sleeping with Jennifer Anniston.
Challengers Oscar snubs.
A polar vortex that froze our pipes on Tuesday night.
When will we catch a break?!
Surely not anytime soon — it’s January after all.
I’m looking forward to the rest of winter like I’m Melania in that stupid hat (ie: not at all).
Some potentially good news
Drug-addicted rats are destroying police evidence in Houston.
This is either another Euphoria-like depiction of how drugs are ruining communities …OR…an unintentional but undeniably cool vigilante justice campaign to decriminalize weed.
I’m choosing the side of optimism, mostly because this quote from the mayor made me laugh, "We got 400,000 pounds of marijuana in storage that the rats are the only ones enjoying."
Pixar where are you!?!
This is the edgy, hard-hitting Ratatouille sequel we need!
Imagine…
It’s 2025, and Remy and Linguini’s restaurant has fallen on hard times.
Not only did they lose money during COVID, but rats are (once again) stigmatized because of their proximity to plagues.
Remy had to lay off his family, who — if you remember — were known for being thieves.
To make ends meet, they get caught up dealing narcotics.
Why wouldn’t they when they have easy access to the police’s evidence supply through the sewer system?
Meanwhile, Linguini and Remy fell out during the pandemic.
It was too intense quarantining together, and Colette’s pregnancy was pulling Linguini’s focus away from cooking.
Forced to move back in with his parents, Remy finds a new passion for making gourmet edibles.
At first, it’s a win-win-win. Remy is supporting his rat colony and moving on from his friendship with Linguini. Plus, all the tampered evidence helps dealers get acquitted on bullshit weed charges.
BUT! When they accidentally contaminate the evidence in a high-profile case, Remy ends up on death row for a series of murders he didn’t commit.
Now it’s up to the rats to pull off their biggest heist yet: breaking Remy out of prison — something they’ll only be able to do if they can convince Linguini to help.
Can they exonerate Remy before he’s exterminated? And, who is really behind the murders? Find out in Rata2ouille:
The Pot is Boiling.
…Apparently, I missed my calling writing fan fic, because that synopsis goes hard…
Anyway! Speaking of drug-addicted rats fan fiction, I went to a midnight Onyx Storm release party on Monday.
It was a wholesome night filled with adult women (and one man, clearly brought by a woman) counting down to a smutty book about dragon riders.
AKA the hippest party in town.
What the night lacked in cool factor, it made up for in nostalgia.
You will not be shocked that I attended many fantasy releases as a kid.
I went to a Harry Potter launch dressed as Hedwig.
…To one of the movies dressed as Fawkes.
…To another dressed as a prisoner of Azkaban.
…To the Breaking Dawn release dressed as a yearning tween.
At that particular event, I insisted we show up early to be at the front of the line.
I was so desperate to be the first person with a copy that, when the clock struck midnight, I ran — genuinely ran — to the first available cashier.
When I went to pay, my idiot, nerdy, loser hands shook so much that I spilled change all over the floor.
The horror! The embarrassment!
I left the store distressed, only to find my friend mid-interview with a local news outlet because she was the first to purchase the book.
I have never recovered.
Considering the unbridled obsession I had with YA fantasy, it’s shocking that I never discovered fan fiction.
I was too naive and too innocent to venture to Wattpad.
Instead, I subjected my friends to heated debates over my personal fan casts, theories, book playlists, and — yes I’ll admit it — merch designs I drew myself.
I voiced my fandom with my whole chest.
They say your 30s are for rediscovering what you loved as a child. (Who says this? I’m not sure, but I saw one woman post about it on TikTok, and it felt legit).
So welcome to a new era!
I turned thirty exactly two months ago, and I’m ready to be insufferable about books again.
More release parties!
More dressing up!
Maybe it’s finally time to dive into the fan fiction I should have steeped myself in as a tween, starting with Rata2ouille.
Before you get weird about it, not all fan fiction is sexual. Rata2ouille is pg 13 at worst.
Would it still count as healing my inner child if porn writing is involved?? Who knows! These are the important questions this blog is all about!!
I have one more important question for any Fourth Wing fans reading this blog:
What the fuck is this?
This mug was in the release party swag bag, and it has shaken me to my core.
At no point in the first two books has a dragon been presented as sexy.
One is an old man.
The other is a teenager.
Not to kink shame, but what on earth is happening here?
If you see the appeal, please enlighten me!
One completely unrelated thought to help you through these hard times:
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Hanging questions:
Are you reading Onyx Storm?
What are you rediscovering from your childhood?
Do you think my Rata2ouille plot has legs?
What fan fiction should I read?